Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer is Here to Scare Your Kids

So here’s Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer. Hold me.

“Crime, violence and fear have run rampant,” this trailer for an adaptation of something that used to be a light-hearted kids show about human-sized turtles eating pizza intones. You’d be forgiven for thinking I’d accidentally linked a reboot of Death Wish for the first few seconds. The trailer is a minute and 30 seconds long, but most of the Bay trademarks are on display.

Megan Fox.

Baysplosions (or at least Baydisasters).


Military hardware.

Victoria’s Secret commercial lighting and wind machines.


Dumb jokes. OK, I liked the joke. The joke was the best part.

If the entire narration and dark tone of this thing is a joke (seriously, it opens with a gunshot) then it’s pretty funny. As stupid parody dialogue it would be great. And considering that the Turtles were originally created as a parody of grim, dark comics then it would also be very meta.

But if it’s serious, then, whoo, boy.

Anyway, here’s your antidote.


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