Club Nintendo’s Final Batch Of Offerings
Special Guest Writer: Dead Kid from the Super Bowl
You might have previously heard Club Nintendo is shutting down for good this summer. They promised they would update their catalog in February so users could spend their remaining coins, and they have done so today. There is a wide variety of games and physical items — over one hundred. I would be able to pick from them as well…..if I were not DEAD.
You can get a 2016 Desktop Calendar (that says “2015” on it), Animal Crossing playing cards, a 3DS XL Zelda-styled pouch, a T-shirt with Mario’s 8-bit sprite on it, a Fierce Deity Link Jigsaw Puzzle, and a Majora’s Mask 3D Messenger Bag that looks just like the 3DS model you can’t have, not because you’re DEAD, like me, but because you simply can’t buy it.
Almost every downloadable game that Club Nintendo has offered in the past is up for download again. That includes Zoda’s Revenge: StarTropics II, Doc Louis’s Punch-Out!!, A Link to the Past, Super Mario 64, Star Fox 64, F-Zero X, Paper Mario, Super Smash Bros, Super Mario Kart, Majora’s Mask and even full retail games like Super Mario 3D Land, New Super Mario Bros. 2, The Wonderful 101, Star Fox 64 3D, Game & Wario, Paper Mario: Sticker Star and Kid Icarus: Uprising. The only one you can’t get is Tetris because Nintendo lost the rights, just like I lost my life.
And if you have the coins, they cost you nothing — you can Pay With Lovin’. I will never Pay With Lovin’ because I am DEAD.
Club Nintendo’s free games will work on any TV. Just don’t get too excited because the television could fall on your child’s head and make them DEAD which is what happened to ME. That’s why you should go with Nationwide Insurance. I’d still be DEAD, but you’d be RICH.
Hopefully these games and items will satisfy you until Nintendo comes up with some other way to keep tabs on your buying habits. Because I’m DEAD they’ll never track me. I’ll never play these games, or play a giant real-life game of Pac-Man to get a beer, or run through a car wash because I think I’m invisible, or watch NBC’s exciting midseason lineup including “THE SLAP,” which derives its title from a grown man hitting a little boy, which will never happen to me because I’m DEAD.
Well, that’s about it. I hope you enjoyed this news bite I wrote. I hope it turned out good. I can’t read it because I’m DEAD.